Haven't written on here in a while. Been hand writing in a journal lately. I find I can be more fully personal in it. But I know some of y'all read my posts and I read the few emails I got asking if I was ok cuz I haven't posted in a while, so I decided to post.

   I'm good y'all, lol. I just been personal journaling in a hand journal lately for a bit. Plus had work and my off time I just wanted to enjoy sometime with my love and visiting with my sons when they're able to come visit, so I'm good y'all. But I appreciate y'all emailing checking up on me.

   I wanna say a special thanks to Sara, I appreciate the email you sent and that some of the things I post you connect with as well as my lyric poetry. 

   When I started this website years go, I never really thought anyone would read it. I just kinda put it up as an outlet I guess, to express, to create and to maybe connect. 

I don't write for anyone, but myself, I write for the simple fact is I feel like writing, either it's what I'm going through in life, how I'm feeling or something that inspires me. But, I'm appreciative on the compliments and if it helps connect or makes you feel less alone going through something. I'm hopeful something positive can come out of anything I post.

But like I've always said, I have my ups and downs and I'm always gonna keep it real, I'm not the type to play the every day my life is perfect, I'm perfect bullshit.

   Guess I'll get on with my entry for the day, lol.

   Things have been good good lately. Been on my vacation from work for 2 weeks which has been nice. I needed a breather from work for a bit.

   My friend from Mississippi came to visit for a few days with her little brother which I enjoyed. She's always a hoot. She's super awesome, wise beyond her years. Her little brother, well he's 20, but for me, that's young, lol, I'll be 40 next week, so yea, to me that's young, but he's a sweet boy. He's staying until my friend gets back this coming weekend. 

I have to say, he's been very respectful, helpful, a perfect little gentleman. 

   I'm always happy to help my friend out. She's been there for me and I'm always gonna be there for her. 

   I have a few friends, but she's the only one that I let come in my apartment cuz I trust her and her little brother as well.

   I'm very cautious of people I let into my life. I'm kind to everyone, but I don't just let anyone in. I've been hurt and fucked over too many times, by friends in the past and even my own family as well as lost friends that died horrible deaths which makes it hard for me to get close to anyone because I care about people easily if I let myself and I tend to even if I don't want to. But I keep my distance.

   I have a few coworkers I care about, but I keep my distance, I just don't wanna get too close cuz I don't wanna get hurt 

   Like one coworker, Julie, she's a firecracker, love her to death, I will text her on holidays or check in on her if I find out she's not doing well or something, but other than that, I keep distance cuz I know if I get any closer and something happens to her, it's gonna hit me hard. And honestly, it probably still will cuz I've really grown to love her as an awesome coworker friend.

   I just don't wanna get any closer outside of work, hang out or nothing.

   May sound silly, but I've lost too many people in my life,I just can't handle the pain of it anymore.

   ... Thinking about it, some funerals I couldn't go to cuz it was just too much for me at the time in my life, but I've been to a few and it was horrible.

Funerals aren't for the dead, they're for the living. And I'm sorry to say this and I'm sure someone's gonna send an email complaining on what I'm fixing to say, well let me just say this ahead of time before you hit the send button with hate email, I really don't give a fuck.

   But, funerals, people all around show up and do these speeches with tears in their eyes talking bullshit how they loved that person, how such a good person they were, blah blah, when the fact was, they weren't even around when that person was alive.

   I went to a friend's funeral years ago. Dude lived with his grandma cuz his mama didn't want him, his aunti and cousins never kept in touch, but the day of his funeral, there his mama who never called him or bothered with him as well as his aunti and cousins and some other people, were there talking about how much they loved him, crying over him, saying they're gonna miss him when they were never there when he was alive.

It was all bullshit. That's why I hate funerals. 

   If you're wondering how he died, he was shot. Not gonna go into the details, but leaving it at that.

   There's this song by Plies called, "When I Die", I have my own personal reasons for what this song and lyrics mean to me, but if you listen to the lyrics, you get the point.

   People seem to wanna bring you flowers, love you, all the bullshit that follows after your dead, but not when you're alive and the song pretty much says, hey, do it while I'm alive, don't wait till I'm dead.

It's why I love that song cuz it hits home...

   People die everyday. We really don't know how long we have on this earth. We could die tomorrow or years from now. That's why it's important to tell those we love that we love them, spend as much time as we can with them cuz if tomorrow comes and someone we love takes their last breath, we'll wish we'd taken that extra time.

   I think about life so much...

   We work our asses off and never really make time for ourselves or for others in our lives. We always think tomorrow's another day and we hope it is, we expect it, but it's not guaranteed.

   I truly believe the saying, "Live today like it's your last", cuz you never know, it could be...

   That's why I always try to tell those I love that I love and appreciate them cuz I always want them to know. 

The sun may not always shine, but they do...

   It's also important just to look around and be grateful for the good in your life. Even if you're not where you wanna be or if things don't seem to be going as planned, stop and take a minute to see the good, the positive around you.

   For me, I'd love to have the car I want living in a nice little house, nothing fancy, just a cozy home on a big piece of land with a pond with ducks, turtles and frogs, a willow tree and an oak tree next to it with a little wood dock or whatever u call it to sit on and stick your feet in the pond. I'd love to have a horse, to finally touch and ride one, some goats, chickens and a donkey. Oh and a llama. Can't forget some fish for the pond and I wouldn't mind 2 dogs cuz a dog's gotta have a friend & a macaw parrot so I can teach it curse words and cuz they're beautiful birds.

But, one day. For now, I'm grateful, I'm blessed. My truck's been in the shop for months, but I'm blessed with feet to walk if I need to as well as my love is there when I need him, I don't live in the house I'd like, but hey, I live in a nice apartment and I'm truly grateful. 

I am blessed with 3 beautiful children, one who's gonna be 25 this year, another 22 this year and another who's gonna be 15... 

   ...Geeze I feel old, lol 

   And I have the most amazing wonderful man in my life who has shown me what it truly feels like to be loved and I am so grateful, blessed and appreciative of him.

   I have an awesome friend who takes the time to travel to come visit.

   I'm truly blessed.

   I may not be living in the house I want, driving what I want, living paycheck to paycheck, but I am blessed in so many ways.

   That's the thing, you have to look at the positive because once you let your focus drift on the negative, you're gonna invite more of it in like a cold chill blowing through an open door.

   Some days suck ass and I do sink those days. I get low, but that's all of us, we're human, we're gonna ride the rollercoaster of life.

   Anyhow, I think I've written enough here, lol. Think I'm gonna end it here and find something to watch cuz I think the Sandman skipped my apartment building, lol, I might as well watch something since I'm gonna be up.

   Until next time, I hope you smile...