Personal Blog


Life, thoughts...

April 17, 2021

  It's raining yet again for the 5th day in a row. I love the rain, but not every day. 

   I'm sitting here staring out the window at this beautiful oak tree, watching the rain fall against its branches and its leaves as grey skies continue to hover above. I'm smiling, I had a wonderful day yesterday and my morning started out wonderful. Hopefully it will be a good day at work today, but I always go into work with the perception of it's gonna be a good day whether it turns out that way or not. Just my outlook on that and life in general; you have to keep yourself in a positive mindset of it's gonna be a good day and things are good.

   Sometimes people start off the day with the thought of the worst and I choose not to be in that mindset.

Sure, I have days I'm in dread of knowing I might have to deal with people's bullshit, but I don't go anticipating it.

   If the day becomes a shit day, it's just a day, tomorrow's always a new day and I choose not to let it get to me. Like I've mentioned in a past post, some days it rains, it storms, but there's always the guarantee that the sun will shine again. And I know, I've said it quite often, but the shit days make me appreciate the good that much more.

   I feel like that's how you have to look at life, the worst can happen, but sometimes the roads of destructive potholes and craters leads you to where you're going and where you're meant to be in life, to the people you meet, to the ones you love and to a place in life where you've gain strength and wisdom as well as appreciation for where you've come from, what you've been through and warrior you've become.

   My therapist told me not long ago that I've been a victim of the things that's happened and I've been through and no, I don't agree, I never saw myself as a victim of anything. I don't like the word "victim", for I sure as hell am not, I'm a survivor and I will always look at life that way, no matter what comes at me.

I may feel weak at times, tired, but I damn sure ain't no victim, I am strong, always a fighter and always will be.

   If you see yourself as a victim, you will be the victim and I don't look in the mirror and see that. 

In the past, there's been times life has hit me so hard it knocked the breath outta me and I felt like giving up because I was so tired, so drained of years of what's been thrown at me, but, victim?, hell naw, I picked myself up and thought hard. You learn to look at what you've overcome in life and you tell yourself, "If I got through that, I can get through this!" and you remind yourself that it's a moment in time to build strength. You can either let the world bury you beneath the dirt or you can let it motivate you, fuel you to keep going because life will never be easy, it's not supposed to be, but the beautiful things in life, love being the most beautiful, makes life worth waking up and finding out where the road takes you because you never know what tomorrow will bring, who'll you'll meet, where you'll be. And I choose life...

   Here I go again rambling, but hey, just my thoughts on its hamster wheel as usual. 

   I'm happy right now and staring out the window at that beautiful oak tree has me thinking about life and happy that I never gave up, cuz I would of missed out on some of the most beautiful moments in life...

   I'm in a state of mind of gratefulness and appreciation. My children who've grown into courage, beautiful brave adults, the man I've fallen in love with who shines a light so bright it lifts me up, hugs my heart and soul and makes me feel I can fly like a bird across the skies, to the moon, across the stars and beyond the universe. I'm blessed, I truly am and no matter what happens in life, even if the world crumbles around me, their love, their smiles, their embrace keeps me alive, keeps me striving, motivated, inspired...

    Enough blabbering for today, lol, time to get moving.

   ...I hope you smile today...

 

Feeling grateful

April 11, 2021

   The morning started out wonderful waking up next to someone I love dearly. Although work has started out a bit stressful, that good morning smile motivates me to take on whatever the day holds.
   I'm grateful, I'm truly grateful and feel blessed. Life may not always be butterflies and rainbows, or so the saying goes, but I'm thankful in so many ways. I take the bad with the good and it makes me appreciate the good so much more.
   I don't know what the future holds, I don't look that far,...


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Underneath the rain...

March 25, 2021

  It's been raining the past few days off and on. I find the rain soothing...

   I stood out in it for a while and let my thoughts run its hamster wheel. 

   I closed my eyes as the rain fell against my face then I opened them and just watched the rain fall onto the oak across the street. I watched how the leaves were kissed by the drops of rain and how the drops bounced against the street pavement and then how the grass sucked it in...

   I thought of the things that troubled my mind then I cha...


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Shit day...

March 18, 2021

   I lost my smile today... The sun's shinning, yet it feels dull...
   I wish it would rain. I wish it would storm, just so I could go outside and close my eyes and let it fall on me...
   There's good days and shit days...today's a shit day.
I just wanna shut down at the moment, turn my feelings off, turn my thoughts off.
   And I'm drinking... I drink cuz I enjoy it, other times because I'm hurt and just wanna go numb for a while.
   Today I just wanna go numb for a while.
   And I know, ...


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Random thoughts...

February 25, 2021

  Do you ever sit and wonder how things were made? Just have random thoughts of things like how did someone come up with the first electronic device. Or put a recipe together. Or came up with language or music notes, etc.? How did making glass or mirrors come about? Or how the ideas of many things come about.

   I'm sure I can Google some things, duh, but sometimes I just sit and wonder about the very first person to come up with things. 

Like sitting here holding my phone typing. Have you ever...


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Into the night...

February 23, 2021
   Maybe I fell asleep as the nightmares began to creep,
 and now maybe I don't wanna sleep,
 cuz I don't want them to repeat...
   I have nightmares more often than not, more than I care for. Vivid ones that like I've mentioned in my last post, fuck with your mind...
   I'm tired, but I don't mind being awake. The night is silent, peaceful and although it's chilly out, it's not as cold as nights before. 
I crave the rain, but the skies are clear. 
I'm so very grateful for those people in my life w...

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Just rambling...

February 16, 2021

Do you ever just sit and think about life, how fast the years pass?...

   Do you think there's much beyond human comprehension? Beyond mundane beliefs? When you see a butterfly effortlessly fly like nothing else matters. Or when a rainbow shines through the rain like unfailed hope. Yet we humans are so caught up in the things that shouldn't matter... 

Funny how the world works, eh?

   I often mention the oak I stare at outside my window. Sometimes I like sitting outside late at night when the wo...


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Dreams...

January 22, 2021

  Do you ever sit and think about dreams you've had? Do you ever wake up from a bad dream and it affect you into not wanting to go back to sleep in fear you'd dream it again or dream of something worse?

   It's silly to think about it, the way a dream that isn't real can fuck with your mind and emotions. But it does.

   Sometimes I wish I was like those people who never remember their dreams. Although I want to remember the good ones.

   Bad ones that hold things in life that have happened yet a...


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Listening to the rain...

January 11, 2021

  I'm laying here listening to the steady rain as it falls like a gentle kiss to the ground.

   It's soothing, comforting. Maybe not enough to help put me to sleep but I feel relaxed.

   It's after midnight, early morning and I'm wondering what the day ahead will be.

   I love the night rain. The world is asleep at 3 a.m. and it's quiet so all there is to listen to is the rain and nothing else. No loud voices outside your home, no traffic or horns beeping outside, nothing but the rain and I love...


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Awake

December 16, 2020
   Seems I'm always talking about not sleeping, but I don't always sleep well. Insomnia's a bitch, but I refuse to take any sleeping pills. I'd rather fall asleep naturally.
   No doubt I'm gonna be tired for work later with only getting 2 hours the night before and 2 last night . But that's what coffee is for, lol.
   Wasn't the only thing keeping me awake though. I've never mentioned it, but in the past I used to get bad anxiety attacks and then for the longest time I didn't have them until r...

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