Personal Blog


The hamster wheel is turning.

November 15, 2020

  I wake to the darkness of the morning and watch as the sun rises to light up the sky as I've done many times.

   You think about life and where you've come from, the struggles and battles you've overcome. And you think about love and how essential it is to life. There is no life without love, whether that be family, your children, your friends or that special person in your life that holds your heart so tenderly and lovingly that it creates a heaven wherever you stand.

   There's a saying that asks if you were to be able to go back and change anything in your life, what would you change. A lot of people would reply with moments in their life and people they've met, etc., but for me, I would change nothing because it brought me to where I am now, made me strong and brought me to the people in my life now and the person I love now. 

   Even the worst moments of my life; no, sure as hell wouldn't want to relive them, but it's brought me here, it's shaped me into the woman I am.

   Through the years I have learned to love myself and build confidence, I have learned strength and have become wiser. I have known pain and I have known love. I appreciate the journey of life, the bad just as much as the good.

   We are human beings of life, full of ups and downs like a wild disfigured roller coaster ride never really knowing how the twists and turns are gonna affect us, never knowing where the tracks lead, but life is beautiful, even when it becomes ugly at times. We must appreciate life. 

   The birds are singing and tweeting. I love birds, they're majestic creatures. Sometimes I wish I could fly with them. Kind of makes me crack up a little thinking of that. Can you imagine what humans would look like flapping their arms and flying through the air? Lol, we'd look pretty silly. 

   It's a bit chilly at the moment, the sign of the coming winter. And seasons are like life. During Spring we blossom, grow with life, start anew. Like summer our passions are heated and like summer our love is warm and the colors of our heart and soul are vibrant. Like Autumn we let go of things and at times people who no longer bring the best to our lives. Such as those people who bring us down more than up, who bring us pain and lies, who doesn't hold our best interests at heart. Sometimes we love people and although we focus on the good in them, we can become blind to the negative. They'll love you when it's convenient for them then hate you the next when they don't get what they want. They'll promise they'll never lie, but then lie smiling in your face. They'll be like, "I got your back", then down you and lie about you behind your back. It hurts to let people go, but sometimes like autumn leaves we must, because people who truly love and care for you wouldn't do some of the things they do, they'd want your happiness and your well being no matter what. 

   I had a cousin years ago who I was close with, a friendship within family where I could tell almost anything to. She was awesome at the time, then it became drama, day after day. I became friends with another lady who lived across the street where I used to live and she became jealous I had another friend besides her. I really don't get jealousy to be honest.. it serves no purpose. Anyhow, she'd tell me she loved me then she'd hear my friend come over while I was on the phone with her, then her mood would change and she'd proceed to tell me I chose my other friend over her and over the family which was plain foolishness. I had her on speaker phone one day and my friend was there cuz I hoped maybe they could have a conversation to get to know each other since my cousin had similar interests in common and we could put the bullshit to rest. Didn't turn out as I'd hoped. I want people to get a long and be kind, but kindness isn't always in everyone. She told my friend that I was only friends with her cuz I was lonely and had nobody else which was bullshit. My friend just laughed and brushed it off cuz she knew I wasn't like that. I don't use people. If I'm your friend, I'm your friend through life unless you give me a reason not to be. Either way, it became drama not just with that friendship, but with other things in my life that I'm not going to go into. As much as I loved her and appreciated the good parts in her, the negative kept overriding the good and I had to make the hard choice of cutting her off. And like autumn leaves, I let her go.

Like the winter we let die what no longer benefit our lives. We lose people by literally death and by letting go. We let die things in our lives that doesn't serve us. We let die bad habits and things that keep us from being the best we can be as a human being. We will always have flaws and that's human as no one is or can be perfect. Like winter we recuperate, we reflect on the year, we reflect on life. It's a time of rest and regeneration. And then Spring returns and we grow again.

   Life is and will never be easy, that's the beauty of it. If it was easy and perfect every time, we'd never grow, we'd never learn to appreciate and love. 

   We make mistakes, but we learn from them. We learn from life experiences and we learn from each other.

   At this moment in life, I'm good. I need for nothing or want for nothing but the people I love and who loves me. The world can come crashing down, but as long as love is present, I'm good. 

   Love is powerful, powerful and magical, heavenly. Those people I love and who love me, they are my light and comfort in the darkness. And they are my rainbow after the rain, my wings when I lose flight. Like I've mentioned in other posts, when I love, I love hard. 

   I once saw a post that had a picture with a caption, "You water me, I water you, we grow together". I thought it was incredible beautiful and I sent it to the man I love. And that post doesn't have to mean between to lovers, it can be for anyone, friendships, family. It just means you love equally, never taking from the other. It means giving and receiving equally. And taking and giving are two different things, taking is simply that, taking. But receiving is taking what is given and never more than what is given.

 Some people will take more than you can or want to give, they will suck you dry like a thirsty person in the desert who's dehydrated and finding a waterhole, drinking all the water until there's nothing left even if the person next to them is dehydrated and needs water to survive and instead of sharing it so both people can survive, they take it all for themselves. If that makes sense. 

The thing is, we let people do that to us. And I truly believe, what we allow will continue. If people treat us like shit or create drama in our lives, we can give them a few passes with the compassion of knowing people deal with shit that may make them act out in certain ways, but if they continue and we let it continue, that's on us, we are allowing it and that cycle will continue until WE put a stop to it.

   But, I'm just rambling on here, lol, my thoughts are a hamster wheel this morning. Hell, when isn't it.

   I hope the day brings you peace and you smile today.

 

Beneath the night sky as birds fly...

November 14, 2020

  I watch black birds, crows, flying in the night, landing on the oak nearby and I sometimes wish I had wings to fly through the night sky. And I say the night sky because I wouldn't want to fly in the day of the sun, yet I would the rain.

   I've said it many times, I love the night and I love the rain. Always have. Don't get me wrong, the sun is indeed beautiful, but it's just too bright for me, comical in a way, if that makes sense. The night has a certain beauty about it, like a beautiful ...


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Sleep is a distant friend, a hovering enemy...

November 5, 2020

  Sleep is a distant friend and I'm staring at its back. But then again, sleep is a hovering enemy giving nightmares and giving pain.

   And I know, dreams are just dreams, but some dreams are vivid memories revisited that I care not to revisit or feel.

   To silence the mind seems impossible, like a constant audio with a broken volume button. 

   One thought leads to another and then another to the point you happen to look at the time and hours have passed. 

   Some days I wish I could just turn...


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Just one of them days...

October 29, 2020

   I woke up with a smile today at the thought of someone I love. A beautiful start to the day.
   As the day progresses, I'm finding myself feeling down. Just one of those days I guess where thoughts and people punch at you to the point of heaviness to where you're physically tired and drained.
   I wanna smile but I lost it today; I wanna laugh, but I don't have the energy at this moment. I crave an embrace but I'm at work and I can't dip out until my shift is over. It's just an off day kin...


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...Life...

October 25, 2020

  ...Life... we can live for years or die tomorrow. We never truly know...

   A coworker of mine passed yesterday. She was young, full of life, spunky, a firecracker. We weren't best friends, but you get to know people working side by side and you become friends in the workplace over time. 

   You would never think a very young mother of 2 little ones would pass so quick and out of nowhere. Especially someone who brings positivity and life to those around them, but it happens every day.

   I lai...


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Underneath the moon...

September 27, 2020

  I love the night, so much more than the day. I love the peacefulness. The day seems so crowded full of strangers creating noise of things they have to do, places they have to go.

   Work was extremely busy yesterday. Kind of one of those days where you had enough of people's bullshit and you just wanted to get away from their noise, their madness.

   The moon is bright and I'm staring at this beautiful oak tree outside. God do I love trees. You can't see the vibrant colors at night as you do ...


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Heaven

September 24, 2020
   There is a perfect heaven in a perfect hell. The world is its own hell, a world of chaos, yet I see heaven in his eyes, feel heaven in his touch and hear heaven in his heartbeat. So don't tell me heaven doesn't exist, that death is the only way to go there, because let me tell you, heaven is in life and the love that embraces you.
   Don't tell me heaven is a place above the clouds, because heaven is in the trees, the flowers that bloom and the grass that grows. Heaven is invisible yet visi...

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The Simple Things Matter

September 23, 2020

...The simple things, they go a long way. Like a simple touch, a simple glance. I cherish those moments, oh do I.

   As I've mentioned many times, tomorrow is never guaranteed, but what you take with you from today matters. The simple things matter. The beauty and joy in the simple things are what makes life grand and I appreciate every moment.

   Hold onto the smiles, the simple touch, the simple breath and all the goodness your heart can hug, hold it close and smile big. Because that is a tou...


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When it rains...

September 22, 2020

   It's been a while since I've posted anything here...
   It's been raining the past few days, but I love the rain. Yesterday I sat out during my lunch break and felt the cold seep in my skin. I can't stand the cold, but I wanted to feel the cold rain, the cold in the air. Sometimes it makes you feel alive, wakes you up in a sense.
   Yesterday I smiled, for reasons and then for no reason at all. I just sat thinking about life and just my appreciation for it. Ups, downs, pains, happiness, lo...


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What are we doing today to improve our life that we didn't do yesterday?

September 4, 2020

     ...What are we doing today to improve our life that we didn't do yesterday or the day before or even a year ago,?...

      I asked myself that during my lunch break yesterday. 

      It was hot sitting outside, yet I found a sense of peace sitting beneath the trees, watching the leaves flutter and branches move to a few slight breezes.

      I wake today asking myself the same question.

      Sometimes it's easy to let things get to you and then there's days things really sink in and it sink...


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