Today's going good other than my anxiety is up. Been shaky for the past hour. Probably caused from the past week caught up to me.

   Finally got some sleep last night and this morning. Felt so good falling asleep cuddled up next to my love 🥰. Especially after a rough afternoon and evening at work.

Got stuck in an area I loathe after lunch, dealt with some assholes then some other issues at work and to finalize my evening get told I didn't get the position I was hoping for 😒. It just all around sucked ass. Just makes me feel stuck to be honest. I wanna further myself, but just feels like I'm not given the chance to do so where I'm at, like I'm not acknowledged, like any efforts I put in to prove I'm capable of going up doesn't matter. And honestly, the way it went down, I won't say how, but all I'll say is it felt like I was being toyed with just to say no. It's like they'd say stuff that'd give me hope I got the job and even say things like I'd already had the position then take it back.

   And maybe to other people it's not a big deal, but to me it was a step up from where I'm at now cuz I don't always want to stay struggling, I want to improve even if it's a small step cuz small steps lead to bigger steps.

   But it is what it is. I'm disappointed, but now I gotta figure out what's next. I've seen how they work. They killed my motivation on trying to help build their credits along with going out of my way on other things and such, thinking they'd give me a chance, but now I'm in it for me 🤷‍♀️.  I'm gonna get to a point where I'm not gonna be struggling one way or another worrying about if I'm gonna get enough hours or pay to get by or living paycheck to paycheck and actually be able to save in case something comes up and to be able to have money on the side in case my children have to come to me for anything. That's what gets to me the most, if they needed anything, I don't have the funds to help and I want to be able to have that for them. That keeps me awake sometimes thinking about that, it bugs me cuz if they are ever struggling I wanna be able to let them feel they're not gonna go down, that they won't have to worry cuz I got them. And at the moment, I can't do that and that gets to me.

   That's why not getting this position really bummed me out. It might have not been a big step, but it would have been a step...

   But like I said, it is what it is, it's time to try seeing what I can do next cuz I'm not just gonna sit back and say oh well that's it, I don't work that way. I'm not someone who gives up easy on anything in life.

   Disappointments are a part of life, you take it and you move on, but you don't back down.

   Alright, time to stop jibber-jabbering and do something productive.

   Until next time, I hope you smile.