Day 6 after hurricane Ida, still no power and water goes off and on. And phone service has been shitty and internet, you might get a signal once in a while, but mostly it's been shit as well.

   It's been boring as fuck, but me and my daughter were able to get out of the apartment for a few hours the other day and ride around in the A/C which felt sooo good not only getting out but being able to cool off from the heat for a while and what made it even better is we were with my love and it felt so good being with him and I felt uplifted.

   It felt so good to hug him, to feel his embrace, to feel it the past few days, to feel his face in the palm of my hands, to feel his kiss, to feel him, to feel home embracing me. It felt so damn good, sooo damn good. Just seeing him has uplifted me, made me feel better from this downer mood I had been feeling recently. He just makes me feel good.

   And I know I mentioned in my last post I wanted to drink, my emotions, my downer feeling, my feeling alone in the moment, my boredom, my just everything, but I didn't drink. It wasn't worth it, wasn't worth the downfall, just wasn't. And I did, I stared at the bottle of tequila and I thought about the past, I thought about how fucked up I was, how I kept going and my priority had been the drinking and where am I gonna get more. I lost myself, I lost moments I can never get back and my children, especially my daughter who was the oldest, I'll never forget the pain in her eyes as she looked at me while I held a bottle of tequila in my hands and said, "I'm gonna hate you if that's the way you go out and I have to bury you because of it.", That tore me up. I couldn't count how many times she's saw me staggering, downing bottles, talking bullshit, hurling, hurling blood and it was that look in her eyes and those words that pushed me to stop. And it was hell stopping. I couldn't go to rehab or a hospital cuz of the marriage I was in at the time, I had to do it on my own. It was painful, my body was in pain, I had the shakes and I didn't just stop drinking, I slowly weaned myself off of it drinking a little less each day which was hard cuz I just wanted to keep going and some days I did, but I kept looking at my daughter and my other children as well as I wanted it for myself because I was just tired.

   I eventually got clean and I felt better than I had in a long while and stayed clean for a long while, but admittedly I went to wine, but I never let myself get as bad even though I could feel myself wanted to go down that same road. I've had nights where I've downed bottles of wine and the next day I'm like hell no, no more.

   And after watching someone I love dearly battle through it and could of lost their life if they'd of drink just a week longer, that killed any desire I had left because to lose them would break me beyond repair and I couldn't come back from that, I just couldn't. My heart would die along with them and I'd be empty.

   But they've been strong like the oak I know they are.

   Alcohol is a monster, it really is. And when I looked at that bottle of tequila and thought about everything, I became disgusted and said fuck that, it's just temporary emotions and feelings in the moment, it'll pass, just go to sleep. And I took a sleeping pill and did just that...

   Like I've mentioned in the last post, I'm strong, I know I'm strong, but sometimes I don't feel it, sometimes I need uplifting, held up sometimes when I'm feeling low and a lot of times no one's around when I'm feeling low which makes me feel alone, but I'm ok and if I'm not ok, I will be. I can guarantee you, I'm never on the ground too long...

   Oh I can't wait for the power to come back on, even after showering I still feel gross not long after cuz I'm sweating again, ick. And I'm running out of clean clothes. Bout to wash in the sink while the water's on before it goes out again. I'm not one who likes going commando, especially sweating.

   I'm glad I'm not a man and have sweaty itchy balls, but then again, it's no fun having sweaty couchie either. I swear if I lived in the country, I'd be ass naked at the window airing my shit out. But then again 👀, google maps might be doing its pics of the earth at that moment 😆 it would be my luck. 

   I need to get off here and get a shower and try to get some clothes washed before I say anything else ridiculous. Hopefully I don't feel like passing out this time. Tried straightening some things earlier and lately I've just felt overly exhausted, don't know if it's the Covid or heat or both, but I was out of breath and got real dizzy and almost passed out. Had to sit down for a bit. Yesterday carried a bucket of water upstairs and usually something like that wouldn't faze me, but got to the top step and was out of breath and had to sit. Literally felt like I had ran a marathon and my body just hurt.

   My body was killing me last night. Mainly my back, ribs and legs, it was driving me nuts. Took a prescription IB Profen, did nothing, ended up taking a sleeping pill just to be able to get some sleep. Sucks ass.

   But anyhow, I've talked long enough.

   Until next time, I hope you smile.