Woke today just feeling blah. Got my wifi on, so that's a plus. 
Just one of those days I don't feel like doing shit. 
   Admittedly I'm struggling a bit today. I'm wanting a drink, but I'm fighting it. Guess when I'm alone and bored, feeling blah, just kinda hitting me today, but I'm fighting the urge. 
I'm taking meds to help with the urges, but today's just been hard. Tryna keep my mind off of it.
   Did check out one of those Zoom AA meetings my Dr suggested. I'm not much for group shit and sharing personal things, but she mentioned that I can enter the group anonymously and just listen without having to say anything and click the leave button at any time. So figured today since I'm struggling, what the hell, so I joined in and just listened on one. 
Not sure if it's my cup of tea. I related on some things, but seeing people cry and hearing some other things I just didn't relate to, just not sure it's for me. I don't like seeing people cry.
   I don't have friends to open up to, not trust people much. I've been screwed over too many times throughout the years by people, mostly family, but I have a hard time trusting after being lied to so many times and I just don't have time for that kind of bullshit in my life. My boyfriend is the only person I truly trust. I'm cool with that...
   But he likes his alone time and I respect that. Sometimes I do wish I had a friend to chill with to get my mind off things, but she lives in Mississippi.
   Kinda just feel drained today, just meh.
   And doesn't help my mind is full of thoughts rumbling like a thunderstorm. Things I miss doing, things I miss, people I used to work with, things that need to be done, things I wish I could do in helping others, stressed with my job, my children being too busy to visit or say, "hey, how ya doing?", feeling a bit bummed from that. My daughter dropping something off and not even coming in for a bit. Just feel like everyone only comes around either when they want something or they're bored or I'm a last resort or just obligation and it makes me feel shitty.
  I know I'm loved, but I'm not feeling the love, if that makes sense...
   I miss the feeling of the people I love being happy to see me, seeing it in their faces, seeing it in their smiles. Haven't seen that in a while.
   Kinda makes me feel like I should back off, that maybe I'm smothering them without meaning to and I don't want anyone getting tired of me by text or in person. 
I just wanna feel that love and see that happiness in their faces again.
Makes me feel good when I see that, makes me feel wanted, loved, embraced, etc.. 
   I miss that...
But I also understand the world puts its weight and stress on everyone too...
   I'm in my head today. Probably overthinking, just in my feels. I have my day's like everyone. 🤷‍♀️.
   I'm struggling today, but I'm fighting it. I'll get through today because I don't wanna slip back to drinking again. I don't want that fog or shit feeling. And I'm not giving myself that excuse that it'll just be for today or just a little bit, naw, it never turns out that way.
   Think I'm gonna shutup for now, take a shower and try to eat something. Haven't really been hungry, but gotta eat something.
   Until next time, I hope you smile...