Maybe I fell asleep as the nightmares began to creep,
 and now maybe I don't wanna sleep,
 cuz I don't want them to repeat...
   I have nightmares more often than not, more than I care for. Vivid ones that like I've mentioned in my last post, fuck with your mind...
   I'm tired, but I don't mind being awake. The night is silent, peaceful and although it's chilly out, it's not as cold as nights before. 
I crave the rain, but the skies are clear. 
I'm so very grateful for those people in my life who love me, but at times I'm in my head for those I love who rip at my soul. 
It's easy to say, cut them off, but it's not as easy as you'd think. It's like hope sinks in the ocean yet keeps afloat that anything is possible. If that makes sense...
   I keep thinking about the one day I was sitting outside on my break at work and watching a mother and father play with their little girl in the parking lot. They were all giggling and chasing each other around and I was thinking, boy, that's like a TV moment you see in the movies and I couldn't help but wonder what that feeling must feel like. It made me smile yet it had me yearning for a memorable moment I never had. 
   Life wasn't easy growing up and love was a home I never really had the experience of what's supposed to be called home. But then again, my grandfather who I called Papaw was a home I was blessed to visit during the weekends until I moved away.
   I'm grateful for those moments, I really am and I hold them so close in my heart.
Maybe life hasn't always been good, but there's wonderful moments amongst the hell to look back on and I appreciate every moment...
   Maybe I've had more bad than good throughout life, but it's taught me to appreciate life and the little things, the simplicity that is beyond grand.
   I need or want for nothing but love and for those I love to smile...
   I lay here apon the grass and breathe in the air. How simple is it in the air we breathe yet we dismiss it without thought because it becomes a natural part of life. I look at the trees, the willow trees and take in its beauty, its grace and I appreciate every limb, every leaf. I appreciate the stillness of the pond and ducks roaming about and flying overhead. I'm not happy nor sad, I'm just content in the moment. 
   I love the park late at night. It's peaceful, quiet...
   Sometimes I come here to clear my mind when things get to me. And sometimes I just come here to breathe. To take it in and remind myself that there's so much beauty and love and that I'm reminded to never take for granted.
Life may not have always be great, but it's beautiful to say the least. Even shadows are cast with light upon them. We just have to remind ourselves to find it. To truly look...
   I can't sleep tonight, lol what's new. Though I did sleep a couple hours, but after a vivid nightmare, I don't really care to go back to sleep to be honest.
I'd rather stay awake and find peace and beauty within the night...
   I'm almost tempted to lay here and watch the sunrise change the colors of the sky, yet I'm not much for being around when the world awakens and makes their presence known. People tend to come out here early to walk and I like leaving before that time.
   I'm laying here beneath the willow and there's a heard of ducks roaming. Some sitting only a few feet away, others roaming, flying and floating across the pond. 
I wonder if ducks have dreams and if so, what do they dream...
   Is that a silly question? Nah, I don't think so. Makes me wonder though...
   ...I dream a lot... Many times nightmares. Tonight I woke with my heart beating fast, sweating and it led to an anxiety attack. I hate anxiety attacks. You don't always have to be stressed to have one. There's been days where my day was great and one hits out of nowhere like a thief of light. It sucks ass. There's always that fear of having another one and the worst fear is having one in public and that's something I want no one to see. I feel helpless and weak during one. I've always had to be strong yet at times I'm not. But we're human, I'm human and we can't always be strong in moments no matter how much we try or want to be.
   If I can breathe through an anxiety attack and get through it on my own, I'm determined to do so, but it's nice and comforting to be held through one.
   I wonder what today will bring...
I kinda wish I could get away from work for a week with the man I love and spend a little time away from the world, away from responsibilities of work and bills and just chill in a cabin in nature somewhere and just take in the moments, but life doesn't work that way.
But I'm grateful for every moment no matter what, no matter how much or how little, I'm truly grateful...
   You have to be though. The moment you look away and not stop to appreciate, is when you lose the value and meaning of life.
   I don't know if that makes sense, but I never want to lose that. I never want to be one who takes anything or anyone for granted. I could spend only 5 minutes with someone I love and even though I'd love more time, I'm appreciative of every moment and hold it dear to my heart.
    Here I am just rambling on here as usual. Maybe I should say goodnight or good morning and just lay here in silence and appreciate the peacefulness of the rest of the night.
   Until next time. I hope you smile today...
   ...Goodnight/morning...