Today was an alright day, pretty much just chilled all day. It's back to work tomorrow.

   Sunday evening and night was a great evening. Spent it with my boyfriend. He cooked me a delicious dinner and we let loose and had a good time. I think we both needed it, just to have some laughs, dance to some music and just feel free in the moment.

   He makes me feel free. The world fades when I'm with him and I'm happy, I'm home. Yesterday we spent the day just relaxing and it felt so nice getting to spend a full day with him. It's been so long since we've had a full day because we're always working. Hopefully we'll get another day soon together. I love being with him.

   It's supposed to rain tomorrow, yuck. Means work will probably be slow and I won't be able to enjoy sitting in my usual place during lunch to get away from everyone for a breather. Usually breaks too, but I haven't been getting breaks lately as busy as it's been and my job is to make sure everyone else has their breaks and lunches first.

   It's cool though, I'm not complaining as I wanted this job and I like it better than where I was. Keeps me moving, keeps my mind off things when I don't wanna think about them. Keeps me from standing in one place, unless I'm scheduled for a day in that place, but at least I know everyday I'm not stuck there.

   Indeed it's more stress laid on me, more I've had to take on, but I can handle it and I like to be challenged and it's not about proving to anyone I can do something, it's proving to myself I'm capable.

   I don't do anything to prove for anyone, I'm not here to compete, life isn't a competition and I think that's where people get hung up, trying to prove and be on top of everyone instead of working together and building. I like to learn from those who have more knowledge about things than me. Doesn't make them better than me nor does me knowing something more make me better than someone who doesn't. Kinda irks me when people get on their high-horse just cuz they know something someone doesn't.

   Anyhow, where the hell am I going with all this and how the hell did I get on this subject 🤷‍♀️.

   ...Fuck, I'm on my last pod😩. Hopefully I can get some before work tomorrow.

    And I wish my leg would quit bothering me. Sucks ass cuz the pain will go away for a while, then bam, it's back and it drives me nuts!

   Need to get my ass to the Dr, but never know my work schedule cuz it always changes at the last minute which is supposed to be a set schedule 3 weeks out and I don't wanna miss any work. Although I did call out yesterday. Just wasn't feeling great, headache nagging and just felt tired. But definitely not complaining cuz I got to spend a day with my love.

   Not sure if I'm gonna be able to sleep tonight, my eyes feel like they're glued to my forehead. I'm tired, but I'm wide awake. Plus this morning after my boyfriend left for work, I fell back asleep and had some gruesome horrid dreams, just kinda freaked me out.

   And I know dreams are just dreams, but the vividness of them, just made my skin crawl, I just don't want to dream tonight. Besides, I have plenty of coffee and lots of those Java Monster Mocas, mmm, those things are so good! I can go over 24hrs no sleep, did it last week. 🦸

   Got an update on my grandma, she's doing ok. I'm glad. I still don't wanna talk to her though. Sounds like a shitty thing to say, I know, but I have my reasons, I'm not gonna go into. I'll always love her and wish her well. I'm not heartless, I just don't let people in anymore unless I know I can trust them and can look them in the eyes and see truth. If that makes sense. 

   Kinda always been like that though. I will look at people, not everyone, but some people you'll just look at them and see straight through the bullshit. And with some, it's not that they're being false, it's something in them the world fails to see or they refuse to let the world see. But indeed, some people are just full on bullshit.

   A friend of mine in school would put on a happy face to the world and before we became friends, she tried to pretend with me until we both were smoking a cigarette skipping class one day cuz we both hated the teacher and she kept pretending like life was perfect and I just came out and told her she didn't have to pretend that bullshit around me cuz I could see straight through it. After that we became good friends. Got into plenty of trouble of course, lol. A couple weeks before her car accident we were smoking a joint on the hood of her car and she hugged me and told me thanks for being an asshole friend. I laughed at her and asked her what she meant by it and she told me for seeing through her bullshit and pointed it out and forcing her to keep it real.

I told her no problem and called her pancake cuz her ass was flat and she told me to shut up to pass the bud droopy, droopy being my nickname cuz I was always high and my eyes always drooed, lol.

   2 weeks later she died in a car accident. 

   After losing people, I started to think I was a curse to people. Stupid to think now, but I was young and shit went through my head. Especially after I lost my best friend to suicide. I blamed myself for years and even though I no longer blame myself, it still haunts me till this day.

   I had never told anyone about it and still the details except my boyfriend and after him a couple other people, nor do I think I will because it's personal and it's not something I want to share. But it hit me hard and I still have nightmares from it sometimes.

   Enough about that, but I saw through the bullshit with my best friend too. You can see their pain. It's the eyes, there's always truth in the eyes if you look close enough.

   My Papaw's eyes too. There was kindness, but a sort off deep longing in them, like time had taken its toll, but had built a king. You could see the wars of time in his eyes, the wounds healed and the determination to live. 

And maybe that sounds crazy to some people, but that's what I look for when I look into someone's eyes, their story, their truth, them.

   And I don't just go looking into everyone's eyes, lol, no, sometimes you just get drawn in. Like one day I was sitting outside on break and an old man was sitting outside waiting for his lumber to be loaded, it was raining and he was just staring off into the distance and his eyes looked tired and glossy and it just pulled me in and I wondered what his story was, I wondered how life had treated him, how the years have taken its toll and with each deep line on his face and the gray of his hair how he came to be.

   Sound silly? Maybe. But people interest me sometimes.

   It was a different kind of pull with my boyfriend, lol. I had no intention for a man, I could of cared less, but somehow those earth eyes of his locked me in. They were the most beautiful eyes I'd ever seen, still are. And yet they seemed so familiar yet unknown. I brushed it off at first and then as time went he got closer and then those eyes were in front of me and I couldn't look away, my heart raced and I was thinking to myself, what the hell was going on here. Again I told myself, no, we ain't doing this, but something in me wanted to know more about him, I wanted to know his story, I wanted to look in those eyes of his. He felt like gravity pulling me in and the more I got to know him, the more I fell for him. I looked right into his eyes and I saw him, "him".

    ...Here I am smiling at the thought of him 🥰🥰🥰...

   He makes me feel that anything is possible. He makes me feel alive inside. And when I look at him, I see life, I see life.

   I could go on and on about him because he's incredible, he's wonderful, beautiful, angelic, amazing and lovely in every way possible and I love him so very much. He is my moon, my oak, my shooting star, my beating heart and my breath of air. He makes me happy, makes me feel like I'm floating above the clouds in his arms, soaring across the skies. I am home with him, truly home and I'm happy...

   Lol, I've jibber-jabbered enough tonight, think I'll end it here.

   Until next time, I hope you smile...