It's been a while since I've written here. Just haven't gotten around to it or felt like it lately.
   Yep, as you've probably guessed, I can't sleep. More as I kinda don't wanna go back to sleep after having vivid nightmares. 
   Decided to come home yesterday to give my boyfriend an evening to himself, some him time. I probably need to be doing that more often for him. I love being with him though, and not to say he doesn't love being with me, I know he does, but everyone needs some breathing room to chill and relax and in turn I chilled yesterday evening.
   I was happy to finally get a place to be mine, but doesn't really have that feeling of home. 
Maybe cuz it's not fully furnished and decorated yet? 🤷‍♀️ Not sure. And staying here kinda feels good but a bit uncomfortable at the same time cuz it's a duplex with thin walls and I can hear my neighbor and when I wanna watch TV I feel like I gotta keep the volume down so I don't disturb to neighbor which kinda makes me feel limited if that makes sense when I'd like to just enjoy watching TV and hear it. Instead I feel like I have to tiptoe cuz I'm just respectful of people of not wanting to disturb them. Don't really like that feeling.
   Maybe after getting some curtains and living room furniture, it'll feel more homey, I don't know.
   I really don't like this place if I'm being honest, but you can't find places for rent for the price I'm paying, so I'm grateful at the same time.
   Took a positive step in my life, took it upon myself to stop drinking. I'm setting my mind to it. And as I've mentioned, I'm not gonna let myself say this time, "I can't say I'll never drink again", because I don't want that excuse for myself lingering because I wanna stay on that mindset of not drinking.
I really don't want it anymore. At first I told myself, I'm just gonna limit myself, I got a handle on it, until I didn't.
It's a lie we tell ourselves when we think we're telling ourselves the truth cuz no matter how much we think we can control it, in the end, it doesn't end up that way.
   Sure, it's nice to let loose every now and then, but every now and then eventually becomes an everyday thing.
   Alcohol takes you down, it does, mentally and physically. Just isn't worth feeling like shit, ending up in the hospital, losing time and moments with those I love, losing myself over. I don't wanna die tomorrow and had missed out on life because I was too busy drowning in alcohol.
   The day I go out, I wanna know the day before I was clear minded, that those I loved had the full version of me, not the drunk me, that I made memories that counted not just for myself but for those I love as well cuz this life we live isn't just about ourselves, it's about the love that surrounds us, the people in our lives we're so blessed to have and I don't wanna be selfish in letting alcohol get in-between the gift of love and life. 
   I saw and felt myself going down with alcohol and it was becoming a priority, my 1st thought and last thought of my day's; when am I gonna get that next drink? Feeling agrivated, panicky if I didn't have it or if my day's at work were going long and all I was thinking was, 'I just wanna get out of here, I need a drink', which was taking over.
   Ended up in the hospital in pain because of drinking, got out, continued to drink. Even some days felt pain and ignored it and drank anyhow. My days off work I'd start drinking early in the day. I was letting alcohol be in control yet I kept telling myself I can stop whenever I want. Lies I told myself. 
   I got to a point where not only was I feeling like shit everyday along with seeing someone I love battle through it, I told myself, I need to stop, this is no way to live. And I asked myself, "Do you really wanna spend your life feeling like shit, missing out on life, missing out on moments', (thinking on times I don't remember nights and days)? Told myself, 'It's only gonna get worse, you're gonna feel worse. There's no way but down continuing this way. Is this how you want your kids to see you cuz they already are afraid for you and it's hurting them whether you realize it or not.'
   I sat thinking to myself, questioning myself. I don't wanna be this way anymore. And in truth I'm being selfish because just because I'm doing this to myself, those who love me are hurting watching me do this to myself. And for a while I told myself I was hiding it, I told myself that oh if they see me, I'll just say I'm having a few drinks, nothing more, all the bullshit blah blah. While all along I was pretty much telling myself that too. 
I wanted to ease up, I wanted to laugh, to have fun, to ease the boredom, to ease the stress, to ease the weight of the world, to not think, and on some days to ease the pain. It was a mixture.
   But in that moment, I had enough and told myself, it's time to stop this shit and sober up. My cravings were strong and I felt I needed it and even at times when I didn't drink, I'd get the shakes, nausea, cramps, sweat, but I hid it the best I could, especially at work until I could finally relax after a drink. I felt more exhausted tryna hide it.
   Decided to call the number my Dr gave me and went for help. Things didn't go as planned, but I did get help with some meds and they're helping with the cravings. The cravings aren't completely gone, but I can manage it and my mindset is staying sober so I'm doing well.
   It feels good to be clear minded, feels good not feeling like shit. I got sober for me.
   I know people say, "Oh I got sober for my kids, my wife, my husband, family, cuz people around me, etc.", Of course I'd like to say they're my motivation, but I did it for me and I think, for me, everyone is different, but for me, I think you have to wanna do it for yourself before doing it for anyone else because if you're doing it for someone else or because someone told you it's the right thing to do, then you're not really doing for yourself and it's pleasing others.
   Those I love, my children, my boyfriend, they're my heart's, my motivation, but I chose to get sober for me, so I can be a better me for me which makes me a better me for them.
   But, I've chatted enough on that.
   Today's gonna be another hot one. Working closing shift today which always feels longer than morning shifts. But I'm going in with the mindset of it's gonna be a good day and not letting no old fart ruin my day.
   Sometimes I feel like being a lil bold, getting a big jug of those laundry detergent pods and just hand a pod out to customers who likes to be assholes and if they ask what it's for I'd tell them it's a free sample we give out then give a lil infomercial monologue, "Nothing cleans up better than this handy dandy 'Clean Up Your Bullshit Bitchatutde one size cleans all even the most vile foul of septic sewage leaking at the mouth assholes will come out squeaky clean!' then like some irritating chic from a prissy 60's-70's movie, give a lil giggle while kicking my foot back, tell them to have a nice day, flip my ponytail while spinning around and walking away. Lol, corny, but just saying what my strange mind was thinking at the moment.
   Or I could just go Madea on them and throw the pod at them and say, "Here's a free sample, now clean yer shit up, I ain't got time for this bullshit, comin' at me like a sewage mouth rabid dog on crack. Get yer ass outta here cuz hallelujer be the devil next time you come up in here! And here, (throws a few more pods) take a few more, better yet, (throws the whole jug at the customer) just take the whole damn thing cuz hallelujer you need a deep cleanse and hit the repeat cycle."
   Don't mind me, lol, I'm tired and my strange mind is thinking goofy scenarios, lol.
   I'm gonna end it here before I say anymore goofy shit.
   I hope you smile today...