My thoughts have been on overdrive today. Last night was the first time in a while I really got fucked up from drinking too much. I mean I've drank recently to the tipsy goofy point, but last night I don't remember parts of the night.
   Although I remember hurling a couple of times 🙄, ick. Haven't done that in a while from drinking either.
   The work day yesterday was a bit shitty, but that wasn't the reason I drank. And just because someone else I knew was drinking wasn't the reason I was drinking, even though they probably think differently and I don't blame them as it seems that way recently, they drink, I drink.
   But no, I just felt like drinking last night, part out of boredom, then I just enjoyed the feeling of it and just said to myself, fuck it, I'm off tomorrow, I'm just gonna get fucked up. 🤷‍♀️ So I did.
   It does bother me a bit that I can't simply say I felt like drinking cuz I truly felt like it. I thought about it while I was at work, getting off and enjoying a glass or 2. Didn't plan on getting fucked up or had the thought of, well, as soon as I get off I'm gonna get fucked up, no, lol, but I wanted to drink just for the simple fact I wanted to, no other reason.
   I wasn't sad, upset, depressed, doing it cuz anyone else was drinking, I just wanted to. And sometimes it bothers me when I try to say I just wanted to and I'm being honest and I'm not taken seriously.
   But I also understand looking from their point of view too.
   Waking up today, I don't really like thinking about being fucked up to the point of hurling or blacking out in moments not remembering a night fully. And no doubt I probably said some goofy shit I don't remember. 🤷‍♀️
   Honestly I don't really like myself when I'm fucked up. I don't think I'm a mean drunk, hopefully not, lol, never been told I was, but more I talk foolish and fall all over the place. Not cute.
   Don't like feeling like shit the day after either.
   I'm getting too old to do this shit, lol. Can't say I'll never do it again, but honestly, I really don't wanna get that fucked up anymore, I just don't. There's not really any point in it. But in the moment, I guess I just kept wanting more and when you're hitting drunk mode, your brain's hitting dumb mode, like surrrre, chug some more. Then you don't really realize how much you've drank until the next day. 
  I roll my eyes at myself.🙄 All the while hearing the voice of Fred Sanford in my head from the show, Sanford and Son, saying, "You big dummy!" Lol.
   Alcohol is a monster. Sure, it can take off the edge, make you feel good in the moment, but can also fuck you up and steal time.
   I don't know. My mind's just blah, I just feel blah.
   But last night was a blur, I remember bits here and there and that's it. I don't like not remembering, I don't like being that fucked up...
   Thinking about it, I really don't want to let myself go back to getting fucked up like that like I used to and getting that fucked up reminded me how I used to just drink and drink and drink and I'm giving myself a reality check to not let myself get that way again. To limit myself and if I can't handle limiting myself, I don't need to buy it or have it in my apartment. I'm responsible for my actions and know better. 
   Last night was just one night of getting fucked up to that point of not remembering things, I'm making it a priority not to get that fucked up again. I'm not in my teens or 20's anymore or even early 30's, hell I'm gonna be 40 next month, I'm too old for that shit. 
   Not to say I won't let loose once in a while, but there's limits. And like I said, if I can't limit myself, I don't need to buy it or have it in my apartment, plain and simple. There's more to life than the feel-good of alcohol and it's not worth drowning in a bottle forgetting to live.
   Alcohol can be a monster though, like a ghostly shadow that haunts. Sometimes it's in the back of the room, such as in the back of your thoughts, you don't really think of it, but you know it's there. Then sometimes it's right behind you hovering its shadow over you blocking whatever light coming in until its all you notice and you give in, just once, just a little and you're in control at 1st, the shadow lowers, but isn't gone and you think you got it under control, until it hovers over you again and again you give in, and this time you drink a little more, a little more than before, to ease the shadow down and again you think you have it under control, but in reality, you're feeding the beast in its weakened state and as it feeds little by little, it gains its strength until it grows and now the shadow surrounds you, you give in, but this time you've lost control because the beast's hunger needs to be sustained or it'll fall ill making you ill and you avoid it and continue swallowing, losing time, thinking of nothing but that next drink, feeding that beast. And the battle is an endless battle once in too deep and sometimes it ends in death.
   It's all in the choices we make in life that determines the roads we will travel...
   We are shaped by the lessons that we learned from the mistakes we've made, from the battles in life we've conquered or lost, from the people who've crossed our path, but most of all, we choose who we want to be...
   I know my mind's all over, but my thoughts are swishing around. 
   I guess mostly, I just wanna be happy, to love, to be loved and I am loved. I wanna bring happiness to those I love. I just don't want to screw anything up. 
   Maybe people would think, oh you're making a big deal out of getting fucked up for one night, but for me, it is big deal because I remember my drinking days and I was getting fucked up every day and I guess it just hit me a bit, I don't wanna go back to that. I don't wanna forget moments, I don't wanna be hurling then feeling like shit the next day or worse, drinking not to feel like shit.
   I don't want alcohol to be my go-to if I wanna feel good or have a good time or even on days I'm feeling down, I don't want that to be my go-to thought. 
   I really don't know if all I'm saying here or anything in the post is making any sense. But, like I mentioned before, I'll always keep it real here. I'm not gonna be one of those bullshitters, "everyday is a good day life is perfect", lol, nah, fuck that, y'all want that fake bullshit, you might as well click somewhere else cuz I don't play that.
If I'm having a shit day, having a good day, bad mood, good mood, have excessive gas (you're welcome 😜), hell I'm gonna keep it real. Lol, ok, maybe not the excessive gas part, but you get the idea.
   I think I've went on long enough here. Tomorrow's a new day.
   Until next time, I hope you smile...