Personal Blog


In my head today...

June 25, 2022
   Woke today just feeling blah. Got my wifi on, so that's a plus. 
Just one of those days I don't feel like doing shit. 
   Admittedly I'm struggling a bit today. I'm wanting a drink, but I'm fighting it. Guess when I'm alone and bored, feeling blah, just kinda hitting me today, but I'm fighting the urge. 
I'm taking meds to help with the urges, but today's just been hard. Tryna keep my mind off of it.
   Did check out one of those Zoom AA meetings my Dr suggested. I'm not much for group shit and sharing personal things, but she mentioned that I can enter the group anonymously and just listen without having to say anything and click the leave button at any time. So figured today since I'm struggling, what the hell, so I joined in and just listened on one. 
Not sure if it's my cup of tea. I related on some things, but seeing people cry and hearing some other things I just didn't relate to, just not sure it's for me. I don't like seeing people cry.
   I don't have friends to open up to, not trust people much. I've been screwed over too many times throughout the years by people, mostly family, but I have a hard time trusting after being lied to so many times and I just don't have time for that kind of bullshit in my life. My boyfriend is the only person I truly trust. I'm cool with that...
   But he likes his alone time and I respect that. Sometimes I do wish I had a friend to chill with to get my mind off things, but she lives in Mississippi.
   Kinda just feel drained today, just meh.
   And doesn't help my mind is full of thoughts rumbling like a thunderstorm. Things I miss doing, things I miss, people I used to work with, things that need to be done, things I wish I could do in helping others, stressed with my job, my children being too busy to visit or say, "hey, how ya doing?", feeling a bit bummed from that. My daughter dropping something off and not even coming in for a bit. Just feel like everyone only comes around either when they want something or they're bored or I'm a last resort or just obligation and it makes me feel shitty.
  I know I'm loved, but I'm not feeling the love, if that makes sense...
   I miss the feeling of the people I love being happy to see me, seeing it in their faces, seeing it in their smiles. Haven't seen that in a while.
   Kinda makes me feel like I should back off, that maybe I'm smothering them without meaning to and I don't want anyone getting tired of me by text or in person. 
I just wanna feel that love and see that happiness in their faces again.
Makes me feel good when I see that, makes me feel wanted, loved, embraced, etc.. 
   I miss that...
But I also understand the world puts its weight and stress on everyone too...
   I'm in my head today. Probably overthinking, just in my feels. I have my day's like everyone. 🤷‍♀️.
   I'm struggling today, but I'm fighting it. I'll get through today because I don't wanna slip back to drinking again. I don't want that fog or shit feeling. And I'm not giving myself that excuse that it'll just be for today or just a little bit, naw, it never turns out that way.
   Think I'm gonna shutup for now, take a shower and try to eat something. Haven't really been hungry, but gotta eat something.
   Until next time, I hope you smile...
 

End of the day...

June 25, 2022
   Today started out ok. It was extremely hot. As the day went on, just kinda went downhill. Just one of them days I guess, where at the end of the day, I'm coming home from work aggravated, sweating on top of it feeling gross, tired and aches, just not feeling good.
   I was so annoyed and aggravated today that I think I freaked these dudes out hollering over this really loud squeaky flatbed cart to stop cuz I just couldn't take the sound no more hearing customers rolling around with the damn...

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Life changes, mindset, goofy thoughts...

June 19, 2022
   It's been a while since I've written here. Just haven't gotten around to it or felt like it lately.
   Yep, as you've probably guessed, I can't sleep. More as I kinda don't wanna go back to sleep after having vivid nightmares. 
   Decided to come home yesterday to give my boyfriend an evening to himself, some him time. I probably need to be doing that more often for him. I love being with him though, and not to say he doesn't love being with me, I know he does, but everyone needs some breath...

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Today's gonna be a good day...

June 14, 2022
   It's been a while since I wrote. Life's just been on it's rollercoaster ride, but I feel like it's starting to go up now.
   Things are looking up...
   I took the steps for myself to stop drinking and I'm doing good so far. My mind's set on staying sober. I really don't wanna spend my drinking and missing out, forgetting moments, not being present and feeling like shit. 
We could be here today and gone tomorrow, we never know and I don't wanna waste it drowning in alcohol and not being fully...

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Skies of gloom

May 21, 2022
   It's a gloomy rainy day. So far the rain's stopped and I'm glad cuz I just wanna be away from people on my lunch break.
   I feel like the sky, the gray gloom and I wish I could leave work cuz I just don't wanna be here.
   I hope it doesn't rain until after my lunch break is over. I just wanna be left alone from all these strangers. I don't feel like smiling, I don't wanna talk to them. And at the moment I'm annoyed at being asked that typical, "Hey, how are you?". It's just a routine of cu...

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Feeling a bit off today 😒🤷‍♀️

May 15, 2022
   Feeling off today 😒. Just one of those days....
   My mind's overthinking about everyone around me feeling like I'm just there, but not needed. If that makes sense...
   I don't really get smiles when I enter a room lately, and I know everyone is dealing with their own shit. Guess I kinda feel a bit alone in mine. 🤷‍♀️. 
   I've been drinking a lot lately and I'm more scared of losing people than I am if alcohol causing destruction to my body.
  But I'm gonna get off alcohol becaus...

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Tryna stay positive...👍

May 14, 2022
      Couldn't sleep, go figure. And it would be a day I'd have work before the ass-crack of dawn. Be nice if I didn't have to go in until later or I was off to get some sleep cuz of course I'm feeling I could sleep now, but would be no point having to get up in a half hour.
   Oh well 🤷‍♀️.
   Had a lot on my mind. Worrying, stressed, feeling the weight of everything and trying to keep everything together.
   Haven't been doing a very good job at it.
   Started drinking more than I shou...

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Thoughts....

April 25, 2022
   I took my dog for a long walk late last night. Up and down the streets, just kept walking until my legs got tired and my feet hurt.
   No doubt my dog loved it. I needed the air and the quiet of the night. I was a lil tipsy, but more relaxed than anything, not drunk. No where near it, just in a mellow state. I love the night, the peacefulness of it. No people out, no noise, just sky and ground and your thoughts. 
   My thoughts were rolling as usual, just everywhere like a cloud, a breeze pu...

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Feeling down...

April 13, 2022
   Can't sleep. Didn't feel good at all all day today/yesterday. Migraine, nauseous off and on all day. Then to top it off, my night just sucked ass. 😥😞
   Got work in the morning, don't know if I'm gonna get any sleep or not. Don't really care. Just feeling down right now.
   I don't like how the night ended, just felt sad by it....
   Feeling sad now😥 and misunderstood I guess...
   It's supposed to rain tomorrow. I'm glad, maybe there won't be as many customers and I won't have to be ...

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Time to start back on a positive note...

April 2, 2022
   Gloomy rainy start to the day. Goes with my mood I guess. Trying to hold onto a positive outlook, but my mind is all over the place. 
   Didn't sleep well at all last night. Between the nightmares, my thoughts, my damn sciatica and just not being able to get comfortable, it was a rough night.
   I did however enjoy getting to spend time with my children and my oldest son's girlfriend. We watched a movie and had some laughs over some old pictures he found when they were little. It was a nice ...

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