It's chilly out early this morning. I'm awake, couldn't fall asleep, but for once it wasn't because my mind was on its hamster wheel or that I slept an hour then woke from nightmares.

No, for once, I'm awake smiling, feeling happy, at ease.

   And although there's a chill in the night/morning air. I'm feeling the warmth within and I'm looking up at the moon and watching it glow. 

   My thoughts tonight aren't of anything other than gratefulness, appreciation, feeling blessed, thankful, full of love and just happiness.

   Oh the world and its incredible scenery is indeed beautiful, but it so does not compare; not the most vibrant of flowers or the greenest of trees, not the vibrant hues of changing autumn leaves, not the bluest of blue seas, not the colors that fold into the skies as the sun falls to rest or begins to rise. No indeed none of that compares to the beauty of the love of my children and the love of the wonderful man in my life who breathes life into me just with his simple smile and his simple soft touch.

   I'm looking at the moon and that is what I call him, my moon as well as my oak. My moon because he shines light in the darkness even into the shadows where light wasn't thought possible.

   Sometimes when my days have felt dark, he's there shining his light with his love.

    My oak, because I've always seen strength in him, because like an oak, no matter the storms in life, he still stands and although storms and toxicity of the earth and destruction of humans may break and crack some branches, an oak still stands showing its strength, never giving up. He is an oak, strong, resilient, beautiful. And he may not know it, but on days I'm not feeling strong, I find my strength through him, through his love.

   ...Have you ever seen or looked at something so beautiful that it took your breath away, that words slipped your mind and your tongue was muted because such beauty couldn't be explained? Like a heaven beyond heaven. That's what I see when I look at him, when I'm with him and to witness such beauty is so rare, at least I've never seen it, nor do I care to see it anywhere or in anyone else but him because he is that extraordinary beauty that heaven is made from, that angels are born from. In my eyes he is...

   And when I feel his arms wrap around me and I wrap mine around him, I'm bursting inside, I could hold him in my arms forever so tenderly so warm...

   God I've never loved so deeply as I love him, and I've never felt so home, like I know it's with him is where my heart will stay until the end of time. 

And I would of called myself crazy a couple of years ago. I would of told myself that I was mental to ever think I'd ever find home, that I could ever be loved in such a beautiful way. But here I am, being loved, really being loved and loving with everything in me.

   I sit here and think about, what if I had let my fears continued to of kept me prisoner and I'm so damn thankful I didn't because I wouldn't be where I'm at, I wouldn't of found happiness and love with my boyfriend, my beautiful love.

   Fear is a self built prison, the more you let fear take over, the thicker the bars get, but the more you face your fears, the thinner the bars get until you're eventually free...

   Fear kept me prisoner for so many years, too long. Even from childhood, it kinda grew into adulthood. Childhood abuse through adulthood, mentally and physically, it really fucks with your mind. Bruises will fade from the outside, but remain on the inside. It took a lot of finding my self worth and believing in myself, even when no one else did at the time, as well as I had some help to finally break free from where I was at in life.

   I no longer live in fear, I'm stronger within. And although I'll have days when I'm feeling down and not as strong, I am never in that state of fear or feeling that sense of worthlessness I was once molded into feeling.

   Have you ever seen a big piece of land or garden that looked so dried up and dead that it looked like it couldn't possibly hold life? But then with love and care, the dried brown flourishes to greens and flowers of different colors bloom, trees grow and you see life, so much beauty? That's what it felt for me, like I was the dried dying ground or garden, but finding my self worth and belief brought the rain and the drought to an end and the seeds started to bud and then when I wasn't looking or searching, love followed and the flowers bloom more vibrant than they ever have, the trees grew, their leaves sprouting and branches reaching up kissing the skies. The land and garden once was thought to decay found life after all and it flourished from love and love is the beauty that gives us life.

   His love gives me life, his love makes me feel like I'm soaring across the skies, up into the stars, across the universe. I look at him and see life, feel life. And when I'm wrapped up in his arms looking into his gorgeous earth eyes, I am home, I am finally home...

   ...I love him so very much!!!

   And that's what I'm thinking sitting here, "underneath the same moon", smiling up at the moon... I'm happy, I'm blessed, I'm grateful, thankful, appreciative and I'm smiling at the thought of him...

   Until next time, I hope you smile...