Today was a stressful work day, not a great day, but it went by fast, so that was a plus.

   Sat outside for a little while waiting for my daughter to pick me up from work and watched a coworker who loves to feed this stray cat that hangs around. The cat always stares at me from a distance when I work evenings, always on edge for when I make a sudden move, it zips away, lol, but as soon as my coworker pulls up and the cat hears her car, she perks right up ready for food.

   I don't think I'd wanna be a cat, but I've somewhat been there, furball.

   The night's boring, thinking about taking a walk and taking in the night air, as long as the mosquitos don't eyeball me as their buffet. I hate those things, annoying as fuck. 

   I thought about painting, haven't done it in a while, but kinda too lazy and don't really feel like it. 

   ðŸ¤” When I was young I used to walk everywhere, I'd walk for miles. Sometimes just to walk, sometimes to get away, sometimes to clear my mind and those times when things were bad, I'd walk and not really realize how far I'd had walked until I felt I could breathe again and figure out what I was gonna do. 

I found peace in walking, peace in finding places in the trees to sit and just breathe or write or just take in the night or day.

   Sometimes I'd feel like I was in the middle of the world of a war of fire and ice clashing against each other, but I found my getaway where I could breathe and I could just think.

   I think the one thing I take pride in myself is that no matter how fucked up life was growing up and through adulthood, not once did I feel sorry for myself or seek anyone's pitty. I was beat down plenty of times, in a weakened state physically and mentally at times, but I held myself up and I did what I needed to do or what I could.

   I think about how far I've come. Many people can say, "oh if it wasn't for so and so, I wouldn't be here", or, "I had my family to hold me up", "I had my best friend", etc., I had my Papaw of course, but I held myself up, I fought to be where I am now with no one at my side. I mean it would of been nice not to of had to fought some battles on my own, to of had someone to lean on sometimes, but when you don't, you learn to be strong, cuz you have no other choice. You either let the world bury you alive or you claim the shovel and refuse to be buried.

   I'm just rambling on here, but my mind's on its hamster wheel as usual and I'm bored...

   I'm thinking of how far I've come then what needs to be done now, bills that need to be paid this month, what I'll have left if anything after bills. Thinking about a different position I applied for at work which I'm a bit nervous about, but I'm always up for a challenge and always up for learning and improving. 

   I think about my children, grown and the things they're going through in life and hope I'm being the best mother to them that I can be. Cuz I won't tell them what they should do in situations, I'll give advice and be there to hold them up, but I feel like they should be responsible in what they choose in life.

   Then I think about my relationship and I wanna make sure I'm being thoughtful, considerate, loving, affectionate, loving him with all of me as I do, I love him so much. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being too much, if I'm smothering him sometimes cuz I love being with him, but I never want to make him feel like I'm smothering him. And it feels good when he smiles at me and pulls me in for a tight hug and I feel wanted and feel his love. And I want him to feel it from me too.

 Sometimes I do wonder if I bore him at times, lol, I probably do as I'm not good at talking being I don't get out much and I really don't know places nor want to explore on my own. I'm quiet, guess that's one of my faults, I'm more of a writer than a talker. 🤷‍♀️. But I try. And I love to listen, especially when he talks about things he knows, his life, things he calls, "useless knowledge", which I find interesting, his days at work, even if I don't have the knowledge he does about the job he does, I love listening cuz I find it interesting and him interesting.

And admittedly, sometimes I wonder if he's sitting there thinking how uninteresting I am, lol cuz I pretty much do the same thing at my job, not much difference.

   I'd love to plan something with him, a day just to go explore and get out together while spending time…

   I'd love just to get out and create memories with him, do things. 

   Anyhow, still rambling on here...

   ... Thinking I might just go on a long walk tonight. Maybe it's a plus my truck not working at the moment cuz usually I'd just drive to the park, but it's been a long while since I've just walked. I like walking and I love the night and I don't feel like sleeping, so guess here in a while after I get my laundry done, I'll just take a walk and breathe in the night.

   Until next time, I hope you smile...