Didn't really wanna fall asleep last night, but I did around 4 something this morning. I didn't want to dream.

    Past few nights my dreams have been horrid and I know they're just dreams, but the vividness of them, I'd rather go without sleep.

   I'm not sure what the day ahead holds, but I'm trying to stay focused on the positive even though I'm just not feeling my best at the moment. I'm just feeling down and I hate the feeling...

   I was bored as hell yesterday and last night, walked around the store, the park last night, tried looking for something to watch but my internet is shit where I live and nothing really sparked my interest anyhow. I just was feeling blah, a bit lonely to be honest,  just nothing seemed to make me feel better.

   It's kinda how I'm feeling now and it's making me agitated as well.

   It's almost like the feeling of being cornered and not knowing what to do, if that makes sense...

   I kinda wanna get out and do something, but there's nothing out there to do. And the walls of my apartment feels like they're closing in. I'm bored as hell, yet I'm drained, tired.

   I could use a smile...

   I really hate days when I'm feeling down like this and NO, I'm not depressed, it's just a down couple of days, it'll pass.

   Just well, as my boyfriend likes to say, "blah, blah, blah". My coffee at the moment tastes "blah", I'm eyeballin these peanut butter M &M's but they just seem "blah", was about to say my juul seems "blah", no gotta have the juul or I'll probably be cranky without it, lol, but it's not hitting as strong or maybe I got a dull pod 🤷‍♀️. But, just everything feels "blah" at the moment...

   ...I miss him, haven't seen him in a few days... He always makes me smile... And when I fall asleep next to him, the nightmares aren't as bad and I'm able to fall back asleep when I have them cuz I feel safe and comforted cuddled up next to him...

   The saying is true, you really do fall asleep faster next to the one you love. And even before I knew I fell in love with him, I've always slept good with him. Guess I knew before I knew that he was the one my heart belonged to. 

And you know, my heart has loved before, but never as deeply as him. And I've never felt so at ease, so free, so comfortable as I do with him. I look at him and I see life like I've never witnessed before.

   I am so deeply in love with him...

   When I'm with him, I'm home...

   I'm home...

   Ugh, I so wanna hold him right now...

   Squeeze him to me, press my cheek against his and just hold him in a warm embrace for a while. And he has one of those hugs you just don't wanna let go, so warm, gentle and loving.

   I look at him and I'm always in awe because he just looks so incredibly gorgeous and I can't help but want to touch him, to caress my palm to his face and the beauty he holds within him just radiates his angelic beauty and it makes him glow taking my breath away and I have to remind myself to breathe.

   I miss him right now...

   I miss him when I'm not with him...

   The times when we go a few days where we don't get to see each other and finally get to see him, I get so happy when I finally see him, see his smile, feel his tight embrace and I feel home once again. 

   I guess I should probably stop jibber-jabbering, I've went on long enough, as usual. 

   Hopefully the day will be more uplifting and this downer feeling will subside. 

   Until next time, I hope you smile.